baring it all + beginning anew
i guess you could call it textbook. the cycle i find myself in that i repeat seamlessly without even trying.
i remember the day so clearly. november 13th 2020. my favourite video game came out, boy what a treat. if i had to guess i would have treated myself to toaster waffles or croissants as breakfast for the launch day. the day began with joy, i was so happy. then i remember it changed for good. nothing was ever the same again.
the feeling of panic, shame. fear and loathing. why did i feel so awful? i remember feeling terrified i would feel like this forever.
waking up every day i'd feel a moment of reprieve, about five seconds to be exact. then the world would come crashing down.
i pretended everything was fine with my friends, my family, my work colleagues. i constantly had a fake smile on. it was exhausting.
i tried explaining how i was feeling to my manager and it did not go as well as planned. promise of support was given but nothing ever happened. i carried the burden alone.
my insecurities at work were at an all time. i tried so hard to fit in and feel normal, but i couldn't do it. in the new year of 2021, i went on medication.
things ebbed and flowed, it got better. i didn't feel as bad, but i never felt 100%. by the summer of 2022, i had enough.
i knew i couldn't keep doing that job anymore. one monday night, a music video inspired me to quit. i drove to work the next morning and quit. i drove home that morning with relief that finally, things were going to finally get better.
there was no real plan, all i had was a job interview three days later. i got the job and i have been there ever since. for the first few months, i was happier than i had been in a long time.
work began to suck. a couple of colleagues made me uncomfortable. looking back, i have no idea how i survived.
if i couldn't make myself happy, i was determined to make someone else happy instead.
his name was matt. we met through his twitch stream and quickly became good friends. i always wanted time with just the two of us, but he would invite me into calls with his other friends. maybe i got a little jealous?
i was still miserable but i convinced myself that this trip would fix everything. matt had kindly invited me over to spend fourth of july with his family. i stayed in the guest room of his apartment. he lived with his girlfriend and their best friend.
nothing changed on the trip.
i felt awful about myself in texas. i felt so alone and completely out of place. i struggled to express how i was really feeling, possibly worried i'd be homeless in a foreign country. my timezone is nine hours behind texas and i found it difficult to communicate my feelings back home. i didn't know what was wrong with me and i barely survived the trip.
by the time i got home i was at rock bottom. i continued to struggle with my emotions.
they invited me back to visit for halloween. this time i got my own space downtown for the week. i'd learned from the first trip and felt more prepared the second time around.
but the same thing happened again.
the hardest part about was not understanding why i felt this way and how to deal with it. i should be grateful that i was able to travel and spend time with people that wanted me there.
i knew something had to change.
i deleted all my social media so i could stop seeing their posts and stop giving myself reasons to feel worse. i honestly thought i was in love with matt at one point. later on in life i realised i just wanted to spend time with my friend. it was my fault for not expressing this at the time.
i finally cut contact with them in an attempt to heal.
during 2024 i started seeing a therapist. i thought we worked through my issues but i realise i was just distracted by the next "thing". i met some new people through an online game and we all became close very quickly.
then i started to feel the same way i did with matt. alone. sad. empty.
i distanced myself from the game hoping i'd start to feel better. i did eventually make it through.
there's a pattern here but i don't fully understand why it happens. i pour so much of myself into friendships and games online. things fall apart when things take a turn for the worst and i don't know how to handle these emotions or feelings.
things eventually improved at work and i kept going.
it's 2026 and i'm still here. i've made some new friends on another online platform. recently the person i was closest to blocked and deleted me over a misunderstanding. i genuinely don't think i did anything wrong. i know i've come a long way from who i used to be.
but i'm still bothered by it. still upset just like i did before. what is wrong with me? i think i need to see a therapist again.
this is the most raw i've been in a long time. there is a lot of work to be done and i am up for the task. although you'll be struggling to find an example in this post, i know i am a good person. i am enough and i can achieve wonderful things. mental illness sucks and i look forward to being in a better place emotionally.
while i figure things out i'm still going to take part in the things that i enjoy. i love reading, travelling, listening to my vinyl records and going to the movies.
welcome back to the blog, where no secrets are kept..