my insecurities on bearblog
i haven’t posted for a long time. i haven’t been truly happy for a long time.
when i first joined i posted some of the corniest sh*t. i didn’t think of myself as a writer (and i still don’t). i would read other blogs and feel inspired by what they had to say and wonder why i couldn’t be write like that. i guess in hindsight it’s because i’m not them, i am my own person.
the more i shared, the more i cringed at myself. was i giving too much of myself away? do other people think of me in the way i think of myself? i can guarantee nobody was thinking about me in a bad light, it was only me.
maybe the insecurities i held were partly to do with the insecurities in myself. that corny post about my own life, it’s less about sharing it and more about being unhappy with myself. i went through a phase of hiding my posts and trying to begin anew but what does that fix?
nothing.
i’ve learnt a lot about attachment anxiety over the summer. i’ve been able to pinpoint where i’ve held others to higher unattainable standards and dragged myself through the mud. the meanest person i know is me, and i’m learning to be kinder to myself.
one thing i am proud of is getting through my debt. i’m 85% paid up and i am two payments away from being debt free. i don’t want to overhype it but i’d like to think i’ll feel pretty amazing when the day finally comes in december.
one thing i gave up while paying off my debt is the luxury of going travelling. but i’m treating myself to a two night break with a friend to barcelona. we’re staying in a hostel but it’s nice to have something to look forward to.
i guess i’m curious if anyone else has felt this way at one point. i know the work is within and i’ve made great progress. i think part of writing this helps me realise how far i’ve come, even though i haven’t shared every single win i’ve made. i can blog about whatever i want because it’s my space and i shouldn’t feel bad about myself for being honest or oversharing. f*ck it.